Hello! My name is Ashley. What is the purpose of this vlog? I want to discuss about Domestic Violence (DV). The actual process of leaving a dv relationship and we need to understand that once the survivor leaves, there will be an amount of self-critical period, where the survivor will ask many questions that determines their worth (will people judge or look down at me, worry that I will be stalked, and all that) I will connect more to what I will discuss later on.
What I want to talk about different messages (in this vlog) for two groups – those who are outsiders of the dv relationship and those who are currently in one or in the process of leaving/have left already. I will explain my experience briefly and the reason why I am doing this. So many people have asked me these questions, why are you involved, why are you an activist. Even this question, are you becoming one of those feminists? No! That is not the answer. The reason why I am doing this because I actually experienced being in a dv relationship myself. Again, everyone has different experiences, different background, and different journeys when it comes to comparing dv relationships.
My experience in a dv relationship, that it was only under two years that I was with this person, had two children with but you know what I am thankful. Yes I did experience a lot of abuse, oppression, really a lot of things I had went through. Again, Trigger Warning (TW), I had experienced economic manipulation/control even in the following areas: sex, physical, mental, verbal, everything, from stalking, being isolated from family. You name it, I experienced it all.
My message for those who are outsiders of a dv relationship:
Don’t tell what the survivor or person that is currently in a dv relationship what to do. Don’t.. Why you might ask, that causes more oppression, more abuse-like, receiving more judgmental, feeling manipulated/controlled. The more you preach/tell a person what to do, the more affected they will become in an unstable way. That, just don’t and if you need more help in understanding why. Go ahead, you can contact DeafHope or Norcal’s Deaf Safe, they have a space where you can get more information. It doesn’t matter if you have seen the abuser committing the act of domestic violence and still unsure what to do. The agencies will teach you that you can’t do anything about it expect support; be ready and be there to support when the survivor decides to leave for good. So go ahead and contact those agencies if you are still concerned about someone, they will help you and answer all your questions.
Now this group for those who are currently in a dv relationship, or actually left the relationship already:
It is okay to feel alone, ok to feel judged by others, worried, it is part of your healing process as a survivor. For those that are currently in one right now, you are the only one that knows yourself the best, do what you need to be SAFE. Now for those who have left the relationship, let me tell you something, it is ok to worry, feel scared. It is OK to. It took me 5 to 6 months to be ok with what I had experienced with everything. During that time frame, I was so scared, always worrying, was too paranoid about everything from my abuser: stalking me, continuing the abuse, will take the kids away, or would kill me. All of that, I did experience and more that I have not listed. But I want to tell you something NEVER FORGET THIS YOU ARE NOT ALONE with this (DV).
Many have experienced this but get this, this is your journey, not theirs! So do what is the best for you, if you don’t know what to do, ask for help, set up a safety plan, contact the agencies that I had mentioned or the local ones from your area. There are resources ready to be shared, please contact and don’t be scared to. There is a lot of us who have went through this too.
Oh yeah, one more thing I forgot, this applies to both groups that I have been addressing, Domestic Violence will cause a lot of trauma flashbacks, the important thing is to address it (flashbacks). You will feel better once you do and that is how you can move forward.
Again this is my personal experience, again my experience is different from others. So do what is the best for you, I will make more vlogs about this subject but right now I will be wrapping up.
So have a wonderful night!